Non-Binary Awareness Week 2023: Welcome Into My Mind… It’s Messy

I find writing to be a very cathartic process, especially when I write about topics that matter to me. After being a bit more open about who I am in my previous post, ‘The Importance of Representation in Media’, I wanted to use more of this invaluable tool to get some of my gender-centric thoughts out there, to free up some room in my head. Non-Binary Awareness Week feels like the perfect opportunity. 

I am non-binary. This is something that I’ve only really been okay with for the past year, and although I no longer feel like I have to apologise for not fitting the mould, there is still a lot that I am trying to get my head around – hence the title of this post.

I will do my best to lay out my thoughts and feelings clearly and concisely, but please bear with me if at any point it seems like the train is getting away from the station. It is worth noting that the experiences I have gone through won’t necessarily reflect the entirety of the non-binary community, this is a personal blog after all. In this post, I will be discussing elements of my life as a non-binary person, the bad and the good, as well as giving my thoughts on simple things we can do to help progress as a society. 

Online Presence

The first place I felt comfortable being myself was anonymously online. It is strange telling total strangers something so fundamental about yourself, but it kick-started a journey of self-acceptance which I am still meandering on today.

If it weren’t for the internet and having access to other people’s stories, then I would probably still be pretending to myself that I am a woman and ignoring the gender dysphoria that continues to leer just over my shoulder. It has given me the ability to engage with others in similar situations, giving me someone to talk to when I felt like no one around me understood. There are cons too of course. 

I get crap online, mainly on Twitter, if someone disagrees with something I say, even if it is just a small thing like an opinion on a cricketer’s performance. They click on my profile, see my pronouns, and take aim at that. I try to not let it bother me, and I have become better at ignoring it, but sometimes it is like a kick to the gut.

It doesn’t help that there is a lot of noise out there from the toxic media about non-binary people. It’s difficult at times being exposed to the thoughts of bigots in comment sections online. It can feel pretty constant, especially when key non-binary public figures are dominating the press like Sam Smith and Demi Lovato, two people who are targeted for being different but haven’t actually done anything wrong. 

The real question is… Why do people get so triggered by they/them pronouns? In other languages, they don’t gender-assign their words. In other languages she/her and he/him, may not even exist.

Dating

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I find the art of dating very hard. Not only am I an anxious introvert who is fine at swiping left and right but when it comes to conversation, or actually meeting up (the horror), I usually have the desire to shrink inside myself, but I also use pronouns which don’t fit with British societal norms. 

I’ve interacted with people who have been curious about my pronouns, a few who have understood, and some who have been downright nasty about them. Sometimes in the same thread of conversation. For me, the two most accepting groups have been other non-binary people (insert pretend_to_be_shocked.gif here), and bisexual women. I feel like now is a good point to reiterate before I make my following statement, that this is a personal blog post based on experiences I have gone through, and I am not the knowledge of all things non-bino. Here we go…

The majority of cisgender men won’t date non-binary people. This isn’t based on science but personal experience, and I’m sure if I asked some cis men in my life some of them would at least pretend they would for my sake. I’m not saying I was popular with guys before (because I really wasn’t) but now the little interest I had on the awful dating apps has dried up. I know this is more of a them problem than a me problem, but it does feel sort of invalidating. Like I am not good enough just because of my gender identity. 

We live in a society where it is still much easier to have heteronormative relationships, and I’m aware that being non-binary totally nullifies that “norm” for me. I try to ignore the voice in the back of my mind telling me that I will never be hundred percent accepted by all of the important people in my life for not being in a heteronormative relationship, but sadly I don’t think that little voice is wrong. 

Work

A big reason why I am more comfortable with who I am is because of the people I work with in what is – in my experience – an accepting industry.

I’ve talked about this before but to quickly recap, this complicated journey started with me accepting my sexuality (no, pansexuality isn’t being attracted to cookware), and that began last year when I opened up about dating a girl to colleagues at work. There was no shock, no raised eyebrows, in fact they acted incredibly casual about it. It made me realise that I was my own worst enemy in that scenario, and suddenly I didn’t feel the need to hide anymore. 

Accepting my sexuality freed me to explore my gender identity more, fast forward a year and here we are. I knew the moment I said to myself “I am non-binary” for the first time, that it was true. It felt right, and things in my life began to make more sense. The next stage though was telling other people, and I looked to my workplaces first like I did before.  

I have two jobs, both in the same industry and in the same city but different companies. One I’ve worked at for five years, and the other not even a year. Thanks to management figures in my newer place of work, it has felt surprisingly easy being out. They’ve made small changes to make life simpler for me, and I feel very comfortable there. It’s genuinely really great.

Coming out at my other place of work felt like a much steeper task – even though it is my colleagues there who were a big part of my sexuality self-acceptance.

To have established relationships with colleagues and friends that could potentially be affected by this change was really scary. There was also the small matter of trying to bring it up in conversation. I’m not going to pretend that I marched onto shift one day and just blurted it out, the approach I took was perhaps far more cowardly. I put a couple of stories on my Instagram, and mentioned it to a few others, hoping that the word would just get out. 

This hasn’t put me in the easiest position because as I sit here and write this, I don’t really know who’s aware of this important part of me and my life, and who doesn’t. It has been a case of picking up on clues, but I think the majority of the vital people that I work with there are now at least somewhat conscious of it. 

More and more colleagues are using my correct pronouns. I’m talking about people I’ve worked with for years, and even though sometimes they slip up, when they correct themselves, it makes me feel happy. Because it has got through to them and they’re doing their best to be respectful. 

If any of my colleagues are reading this who knew me as a she/her but are now making the effort to use they/them – thank you. It does mean a lot, even if you’ve never heard me say it. And if you’ve been at all upset that I never told you in person, this was probably not down to me not trusting you, but down to me feeling awkward and nervous – but I’m sorry, all the same. 

Family/Friends

This has been slower progress. It feels more complicated than with colleagues, but I have been trying to be open with people. Some of my friends are still using incorrect pronouns for me, feminine language, or refuse to acknowledge it at all but I hope to continue to make progress. Even if it is slow. I can’t get everything I want at once, I suppose, and there have been many wins in this process that I can focus on in the meantime. 

Style

There is definitely a common misconception that non-binary people dress a certain way. There’s a difference between gender expression and identity. How someone presents themselves, doesn’t mean they identify a certain way. It is never a good idea to presume. 

Since being out as non-binary, a couple of people have asked me if how I dress and how I style my hair is because of being non-binary. The easy answer is no. I know cisgender women who don’t like wearing dresses, as I don’t, and I also know cisgender women who get their hair cut at barbershops. It has nothing to do with their gender identity, which is the same for me.

However, the more complicated answer is maybe a little.

Before, the biggest roadblock for me was body image issues and lack of confidence, which more recently I’ve come to understand stems from gender dysphoria and an absence of self-acceptance. Since being more accepting of myself, I have ignored societal norms of dressing myself how others would expect me to dress, and I have ignored the questions about my hair, including the requests for me to grow it out.

I am queer and, I am non-bino. Two things that I used to suppress to the point of misery. Not doing so as much is making me feel lighter, meaning I am more confident in how I present myself and I’m happy in how I am. I accept that I am a they/them… although I do think there is also an element of “f*ck what anyone else thinks”.

To finish up, here are three simple things we can do to help progress as a society.

1. Language

Being non-binary is not something you just choose to be, it is something you are. The language you use around us and describing us could prove detrimental to our mental health. A key part of this is using our correct pronouns. It doesn’t harm asking if you’re not sure, I know I would rather people asked than use terminology that invalidates my existence in such a cutting manner. It really makes a massive difference when I hear people use the right pronouns for me. 

2. Representation

I wrote an entire blog post on this but in short, representation matters. Seeing non-binary characters and personalities on TV and in films makes me feel valid. Consuming non-binary artist’s music, and writing, and art, helps me feel like I am meant to be here. That I have a right to exist. 

3. Education

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to explore (even if it is just at a surface level) what it is like to be non-binary, and what can be done to make the lives of non-binary people easier. It can be tiring and almost soul-destroying having to explain ourselves constantly. Taking a little time to educate yourself helps us to feel valid, and it also probably means we will feel comfortable around you too.

If you don’t understand then that’s okay. I can’t force you to think a certain way and I would never even attempt to do so, but you should still respect us. Just try, please, and help make our lives easier, safer, and happier.