Happy Pride 2024! I wanted to write something for this month, and I went down the road of a reflective piece. This is a letter for my 2014 self which was a time that was even more confusing for me than now is. Who is this for? Well, it’s for me and was a very cathartic exercise, but if you want to continue reading then feel free.
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Dear Past Self,
I usually begin letters or messages with asking how the person is or wishing them well, but I know (somewhat unfortunately) exactly how you’re doing so we will skip that part.
It’s Pride Month, something I don’t remember being a thing ten years ago, but a quick Google tells me it did exist however it wasn’t really loudly or proudly celebrated. I think of how I felt ten years ago as a young confused, diffident queer and how I wish I had around me the same level of acceptance that there is now. I’m not saying life is all rainbows and unicorns presently, there is a lot of hate out there still, but there has been a noticeable shift in attitudes.
I am writing this reflective piece as a part of my blog that you’ll start in 2017. It’s a blog predominantly about music but over the past year I’ve been putting out more personal posts which has been quite cathartic at times. You have got better at expressing your feelings and emotion, and speaking up when things aren’t going too well, but it has been a long journey.
It’s 2024, and the world continues to be pretty scary, but you’re a proper twenty-five-year-old adult with two jobs in ticketing and live events, a university degree, and even a little car to get you the 20+ miles to and from work every day. You’re also (and this is probably the most important thing considering the purpose of this letter) openly queer and non-binary.
I know that you’re questioning your sexuality right now, looking at labels like they’re vital to get by in life, but spoiler alert, they’re not. Nowadays, I try not to use a label, I tend to just tell people that I am not straight, but I am also not 100% gay, but if a label is needed then I suppose that would be pansexual. I define this to mean that I like who I like, it doesn’t matter what gender they are.
Speaking of gender, you are probably puzzled at aged fifteen what I mean when I say I am non-binary. This has been a trickier path to walk on. I, you, use they/them pronouns. This is because I feel like my gender cannot been defined within the margins of gender binary. I don’t feel like I am female – which won’t shock you – but I also don’t think I am male either. I would definitely rather not feel this way, it’s complicated not feeling okay in your own skin which I know you understand, but it’s something I have finally accepted.
There will still be parts of you that you hate, and some days you’ll still struggle to look at your reflection in the mirror, but there are some days that you will feel on top of the world. You’ve learnt how to present yourself in a way that boosts your confidence, and you are less bothered by what others think, not completely unbothered but certainly less. It’s freeing, and I hope that this simply grows the more I navigate this complicated world.
You’ll meet some people who will change your life. Some people who will save your life. Some people who will make you happy to wake up in the morning. There will be people who will make you feel unsafe but plenty of people who make you feel the opposite. There is enough acceptance to make life liveable.
It’s also lucky that I have found myself working in a sector that is welcoming to the LGBTQ+ community – it has helped me embrace myself more.
One day you will be working an Alicia Keys show and be walking to lunch with two colleagues (who end up doing a lot to support you) and you’ll casually drop into conversation that you’re dating a girl, and neither of them will bat an eye. It will make you realise that actually it doesn’t matter to a lot of people who you date, as long as you’re happy.
Happiness is the end goal we all look for, and for some of us it feels nearly impossible to obtain, but reflecting on what it was like being fifteen, I can guarantee that you’ll laugh a lot more than you are doing right now.
I remember the anxiety and feeling like I don’t understand who I am. You have not long cut all your hair off for the first time, and are dealing with the mutterings of your peers, theorising why you did it. They will be calling you a lesbian which back then felt like a slur especially in how they say it but trust me you start to feel like your hair style is your superpower. You even now go to a barber instead of a hairdresser!
It won’t be long before you have your first non-heteronormative date. You will have a lovely summer with her trying to take your friendship to a different level, but it will end in heartbreak. The world will feel like it’s about to end when she tells you that you’re better off as friends, and returning to school with that person will fill you with dread, but you get through it and later realise that although heartbreak doesn’t get any easier, dealing with it does.
Dating isn’t my strongest point. I find it harder since being out as non-binary as I believe it limits options. There’s also this anxiety that if we do end up getting serious, then what would I be referred to? Would they respect me enough to call me their partner? Even if I am not around to hear it. Or would they regress and call me their “girlfriend”? It is also difficult to tell at times whether someone would be okay with dating someone who is non-binary. It makes it tougher to shoot my shot, even though I have wanted to recently.
Shit, I am being such a downer. I promise you that during the past ten years I have had some really good relationships. I have memories I can smile about. I just need to push myself a bit more, and that’s something I am slowly working on. It all stems from self-confidence that I can sense growing as the months pass.
There has been a lot of progress. In 2018 you will start going to gigs with pride flags and badges, but then hide them when the cameras come out. Fast forward to 2024 and you’ll be able to go to a festival and confidently wear a gender statement on your front, without caring about the consequences. At that same festival, your friend will big up that shirt to his mates, and a stranger will approach you to tell you that you’re “slaying” before giving you a hug. You probably can’t even compute wearing something that genuinely makes you feel good right now, but you will.
I will try not to chatter on too much (although I definitely could), but to sum up it is okay to not be straight and it’s okay to not fit gender norms. You are who you are, and it doesn’t really matter what others believe, even if they make their opinions known. Think of it this way, things would be boring if we were all the same.
I saw a clip on social media the other day of comedian Sara Pascoe being asked in a Q&A at Hay Festival what she would say to her fourteen-year-old self. She started off by saying “the trouble is at fourteen I wouldn’t have believed very positive things” and continued with, “the really shit thing about being young is that you haven’t been through stuff yet”, and I think this is so painfully true. Looking back on moments when I thought the end was coming at aged fifteen, I can tell you that this isn’t the case. You’re stronger than you think.
I’m not going to lie to you, there are some really tough times ahead. A level of tough that you currently won’t even be able to comprehend. But you will still be here. Fighting. And starting to be unapologetically you.
It’s okay to be yourself and it’s also okay to not know who you are just now. You will get there.
See ya later,
Mae x
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