It’s that time of year again and after the cathartic feeling (and dare I say pride) that I experienced last year when I wrote, ‘Nonbinary Awareness Week 2023: Welcome Into My Mind… It’s Messy’, I wanted to post something new to mark the occasion, for me and also for anyone who may find it useful.
I appreciate the kind comments and messages I received after my last post, ‘Pride Month 2024: “Dear Past Self…”’. It’s so fulfilling when people say they find my content useful, it was especially lovely when someone shared that they showed my posts to their child who is going through their own complicated gender journey. It was never the purpose, but if something I write helps someone then that’s very rewarding.
Now this year for Nonbinary Awareness Week it wasn’t obvious what to write about. Honestly, it snuck up on me and I was only alerted to it when the wonderful Heather Paterson gave me an unexpected shoutout on Twitter (or X I suppose) for being a nonbinary content creator which was very flattering. I then proceeded to spend the next few days racking my brain for ideas of what I could write – then the idea hit me in the face.
If you’ve read the title, then the topic is not going to be a shock but today I am talking about style and how I believe it can be one of the biggest contributions to gender dysphoria, but it can also be one of the most vital cures and provide quick relief.
I discussed style briefly in my post last year. Here’s a short quote:
“There is definitely a common misconception that nonbinary people dress a certain way. There’s a difference between gender expression and identity. How someone presents themselves, doesn’t mean they identify a certain way. It is never a good idea to presume.”
I am writing this from sunny Portugal (I know it’s a hard life), but to get here I had to pack and that meant picking clothes that I may have felt good about in the moment but for me that can easily change. There was a point where I was just stood in the middle of my bedroom with basically the entirety of my wardrobe emptied on my bed, staring at the items knowing that I could not go overboard thanks to weight and suitcase size limits whilst needing plenty of options in case of dysphoria. This being said, I did find it easier packing this year than when I went away last summer which is certainly progress of sorts.
What is gender dysphoria?
Gender dysphoria is a term that describes a sense of unease that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity. This sense of unease or dissatisfaction may be so intense it can lead to depression and anxiety and have a harmful impact on daily life (NHS).
It differs depending on who you are but for me it is a feeling of not being right. This can mean not fitting in with expected norms or physically feeling like my body is wrong. When it’s really bad apart from the mental health deterioration it causes me, sometimes my skin becomes really hot and I have strong desire to scratch it away before dissociation whacks me around the head, but how I experience it varies a lot from day to day.
I saw someone describe it simply as having to eat food you hate. You know you don’t like it but often you can’t really explain why. I know I am not a woman; I can tell you some elements that have led to this conclusion, but I couldn’t write you an essay on the subject. The closest I can get are my various blog posts which kind of show my ongoing thought processes.
(Please note there are many causes of gender dysphoria, I am just focussing on how one presents themselves can have an effect.)
Don’t worry I do not think I am an influencer or have a great fashion sense, but I have realised in recent years that I have the power to impact how I am feeling based on what I choose to wear.
About eighteen months ago I was killing some time between shifts at my different jobs and decided to venture around Birmingham in search for some potential new clothes as I definitely needed more options. I wandered into Hollister but into the “men’s” section where they had some plaid shirts on sale in a size XS. I don’t know why but I was really nervous at the checkout when in reality anyone can buy whatever clothes they wish. When I tried them on the euphoria was unforgettable because I discovered that despite being a 5’3” AFAB, I can actually fit in “men’s” clothes.
The shape of “men’s” shirts is definitely preferable to me as more often than not the thought of wearing something figure hugging fills me with dread. My height means I have to stick with “women’s” trousers but that’s okay, for some reason it doesn’t bother me so much. One day I will most likely analyse that but for now we keep going.
The thing that surprised me though when packing for my holiday is how I wanted to pack a dress or two. Perhaps this shows that recently I have become more comfortable in my own skin. I did try to wear one of them out to dinner but for numerous reasons it didn’t feel right so I switched into a shirt but then a sort of shame came over me. This shame that has been instilled in me that I should be able to wear dresses. I am AFAB, I went to an all-girls’ school where you had to wear skirts, at every family event growing up it was all “what dress are you going to wear?”. Ah societal norms, you’ve got to love them… Right?
I don’t actually own many dresses, the majority that I have owned have been donated to various charity shops as there definitely was a time that I thought I would never want to wear one again. My thought process was probably, if I don’t own any dresses then a) it frees up closet space and b) that pressure to wear a dress is reduced and almost lost entirely.
Gender dysphoria caused by attire comes and goes. Some of it actually stems from body image issues and a lack of confidence, but I have felt those feelings deplete with time.
As I said further up in the post, I believe style can be one of the biggest contributions to gender dysphoria, but it can also be one of the most vital cures and provide quick relief.
This was obvious to me at a shopping trip recently when I had to go for a bra-size fitting for some swimwear that I wouldn’t hate, and it became apparent after having to wear a bra a few weeks ago (I usually stick to bralettes or binders) that my body shape has changed considerably. I was stood in the fitting room in what was my bra size with the sales assistant just shaking her head with a blunt, “no”, before telling me that I had gone up four cup sizes.
After forking out money I don’t really have on new swimwear and underwear I felt like I was being choked by dysphoria. This isn’t what I want, to look like this, but I can’t stop my body from growing or changing. I know we all probably want to amend parts of ourselves, but something like this affects my mental wellbeing substantially and I started to spiral.
About ten minutes later I was in a different store where I bought a super cool shirt that when I tried it on helped pick me up as I could look at my reflection in the mirror and not feel like my body has changed as much as it actually has because of the shirt cut, pattern and material. Yes, I had to pay £40 for this boost of serotonin but at that time it was significant in me not falling off a cliff.
I think a song that reflects my feelings on this pretty well is ‘Lingerie Model’ by Paige Kennedy, which you should definitely check out:
It isn’t easy though when dysphoria fluctuates so much. A new gig outfit that I bought a month ago, I didn’t feel like I could wear on the day because the cropped shirt was too femme which was frustrating when I was previously really looking forward to wearing it out. Now that outfit will hang in my wardrobe, waiting for an opportunity to be worn when dysphoria isn’t pulling me down from below the water surface by my ankles.
It can be exhausting trying to decide my outfits because of that fear of being made to feel shit by dysphoria so most of the time I play it safe with shirts and t-shirts, and some simple black skinny jeans. I sometimes wish I was more confident to push the boat out, but you know what, the most important thing is to feel comfortable, so I am no longer as embarrassed that I tend to wear the same looks on rotation.
I want to reiterate that I am certainly not a fashion influencer or a style icon, but I am here to tell you to do what’s right for you. Outsiders may comment, everyone has an opinion on everything, but at the end of the day the most important thing is that you feel happy in your own skin and your clothes play a massive part in that.
So wear layers in the summer even if you get confused looks, wear eccentric patterns to conceal parts of yourself that you aren’t content with, wear the same outfit every day to help not feel overwhelmed by the choice, if it makes you feel better in yourself and who you are.
Also don’t be ashamed of having triggers. Ignore the haters using buzzwords like woke and snowflake, because knowing your triggers and what can cause you to spiral into a pit of gender dysphoria will actually help you prevent those spirals which will lead to an improved feeling that life might really be okay.
Continue to be unapologetically you – because who you are, who you are discovering you might be, is completely valid.
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