Hi, my name is Mae and I am pansexual.
What’s that? You may ask…maybe…or you might now…I don’t know. The bog standard definition of pansexuality is:
Not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
So no, I’m not attracted to pans (a sort of running joke among the community) but just anyone who I may be attracted to. Man, woman, someone who is transgender or gender-fluid, the list goes on.
I haven’t always known this. I’ve gone from being straight (which was sort of automatically programmed into me by society) to gay to bisexual until it hit me what I really am. Pansexual.
Now, I’m not keen on labelling, far from it but it is difficult to go through life without having a label. People either are nosy or are genuinely interested. Plus it is usually easier to have a label then trying to explain to people in a bar what you are into or whatever. For me though having a label made me feel…certain? Like I suddenly knew who I was. This probably happened two years ago.
Before that though I was just “confused” and tried to seek advice from others. I think I told four people when I started being open about; two of who I knew were (well are) bisexual, one a very close friend who used to help me through some stuff and the last being who I considered one of my best friends at the time even though we starting to argue.
It was her that made me crash.
I was already confused and questioning my sexuality so being told by her that I wasn’t normal was crushing. It has always played on my mind ever since, on a loop at points during weak periods.
We drifted, we then both left the school we went to at sixteen to go elsewhere and so I didn’t have to see her again. Ever. Well not on purpose anyway.
I remember during the Summer 2014 I was at my ex-girlfriend’s house for the day and we were eating the glamorous lunch of spaghetti rings on toast because two fifteen-year-olds were incapable of cooking. Whilst eating she brought up my ex-friend who we were still at school with. She told me stuff that was said about gay people or anyone in the LGBTQ+ community and it made my blood boil. I was so angry. It was the first time I had really experienced such hatred in another person for being “different”.
The last time I saw her was back in December and it was a shock. This is a girl that I was incredibly close with for over six years but I felt nothing but dread because she told me that it wasn’t normal to like girls. That I wasn’t normal. We used to have sleepovers, play band hero, cycle on busy roads, go swimming, ride her go kart around her estate, go bowling and share everything with one and other. But when I told her that I wasn’t straight (we were already having friendship problems at the time) she became distant and a few days later I was declared abnormal.
In December, I was shopping in some outlet with one of my best mates. When I say shopping…I was feigning an interest and stopping her from buying anything outrageous because shopping isn’t my bag. When we walked towards the exit of the shop that’s when we saw her.
My friend spoke to her about driving and mock exams but I just stayed silent until she asked me how I was but in a monotonous IDGAF kind of way. I am glad I don’t have to see her anymore.
But we are still friends on Facebook. Why? I don’t know really. Maybe because if I unfriend her then she has won. Beaten me.
Because I totally disagree with her, of course I do, I don’t think being LGBTQ+ is abnormal. I am one and I’m friends with others who are part of the community but I tell you something that is interesting.
25% of the population experience some form of depression/mental health issue but it is 40% for the LGBTQ+ community.
This is because of people like her who say it is wrong, make you feel different when actually you should feel the same as everyone else but just fancy girls or boys or people who’d rather not specify their gender or everyone like me (hey I’m not picky).
Being pansexual doesn’t make me a slag or a whore, words that have both been used to describe me when actually I am definitely the complete opposite. I swear. I just don’t see gender as a contributing factor to if I have feelings of attraction towards someone. If I’m attracted to someone then I’m attracted to someone. That is it. Nothing else contributes to it.
What I’m saying is that I’m pansexual and I’m proud of it. A lot of people don’t know because I have been made to feel like others see it as abnormal. People just need to stop and think before they speak. Because three words have made me feel insecure for the past few years of my life. It’s not normal.
It is. And a middle finger to anyone who thinks otherwise.