You see all these jokes and memes on the internet about January lasting an eternity…well I think they are right! I cannot believe that we are still in January 2019 and not January 2022 because that is how long the last month has felt.
It has been a hard month for me with very few highlights but instead anxiety. Anxiety about the past, present and future but now that I am heading into a new month I am starting to feel slightly better. Hoorah! Instead of doing a summary of my month because – well – there isn’t much to summarise I thought I would talk about a few things which have been on my mind: exams, relationship and the future. (The few highlights I’ve put as images).
First things first…exams! I have just finished my first set of university exams and let’s just say that I think my dog would have done a better job than me. No exaggeration. Yes, I haven’t had the results yet but when you barely answer enough questions to possibly pass you know that it isn’t going to have gone well.
It was an incredibly stressful time which I spent mostly crying and wallowing in self pity; all self care went out of the window. I would tell my friend who was also struggling through it that it isn’t the end of the world which seemed to help them but although I knew I was right I still felt incredibly…well, shit.
During my exams I turned twenty and this felt incredibly scary.
Suddenly I wasn’t a teenager anymore but not only that I was in the midst of having doubts about what I am doing with my life. Although I have plenty of time left on this chaotic planet I feel like I should know what I am doing by now. I think I have a Plan B in the works but I still have a lot of thinking to do.
Moving away from one depressing topic let’s move onto another…RELATIONSHIPS! Or more specifically the lack of.
At the beginning of the month I reactivated my Tinder profile because I felt incredibly lonely. I started talking to some cool people on there and one in particular I really took a fancy too. But then nothing really happened.
It made me wonder if it was something I was doing. I am incredibly awkward and being forward (which I think you have to be when using these apps) is not something I am good at. I am still in contact with this person but now I feel to shy to even suggest a date. Which then got me thinking…am I sabotaging myself?
My dating history isn’t the best. From getting my heart broken to lack of trust. My last partner would hint on a regular basis that “his friends” thought I was cheating on him purely because I was so busy and had trouble seeing him (there was a distance thing….I had a job blah blah). I think when you deal with so much bullshit that you just reach an end of your tether and the thought of dealing with anymore is soul destroying.
On one hand, I don’t want to be alone forever but on the other I find it all so scary. Maybe I’m better off alone.
Looking to the future…what do I want?
Well, one thing I did want was for this blog to go places and actually it’s doing really well and artists have been (mostly) really cool to work with and promote. Next month I have five gig reviews so far to do which is awesome; a real mix of genres too. I am also looking at the drum aspect of this blog – going to try and drum at the studio for an hour weekly. Hopefully…fingers crossed!
And as for “Plan B” I am not rushing into any decisions as I have paid for this year at uni so I might as well stick it out but I am not sure if I will be here in September. That’s the honest truth of it.
Onwards and upwards. Let’s kick January up the arse and welcome February with open arms.